Random Thoughts: Season three
by Kizmet
Summary: POV pieces set during the third season of "Angel". I decided to consolidate a few things.
1. To Truly Love: Angel: Heartthrob

To Truly Love

To Truly Love

** **

Even though I joked with Gunn about how I should have gone to Vegas I knew it wasn't true.Sri Lanka was just what I needed, even if it wasn't the quiet contemplation Wesley envisioned when he suggested it.

I could have brooded in my room just as easily as in a monastery.

What I needed, what I found there, was a fight to the death with little more than my life at stake.

I would have found battles in LA, when have I not?But I would have been different.Here I could have convinced myself I was only fighting to protect my friends, the client, who ever.There, in an isolated corner of the world, far from anyone I knew and myself the only one in immediate danger, there was no avoiding it.

I fought because I wanted to live.Even with Buffy gone, I still chose to live.I saw that and I ran, back to LA as fast as possible.For the first time since they were invented I truly wished that flying wasn't out of the question for a vampire.

Because in that moment of knowing, and in the weeks since, all I wanted was to forget.Buffy, the girl who will always hold my heart was dead.How could I possibly not want to join her in that stillness?Only I didn't, I wanted to live.

So I came home, to the place where I don't have to think.Where I planned to forget my betrayal of her in the unwinable war that I've been enlisted to fight in, in my friends' concerns, in the everyday act of living.I could use those things to fill every waking hour, even if I couldn't escape my nightmares.

Endless dreams where Buffy comes to me, sometimes in tears, sometimes in rage, always because I didn't love her enough to die for her, because I wasn't there to die for her when it might have saved her.

Of course James and Elizabeth would be the first demons I encounter on my return.

The only real pain James managed to inflict on me in his ill-planned attempt at vengeance was when he said I could have loved her, not if I could continue without her, but Cordy was right.It took me awhile to realize it but she was.Buffy wouldn't have wanted my death.

Maybe Elizabeth would have been impressed by what James did, but she was impressed when James risked all of our lives for a trinket.Buffy, on the other hand, would have probably hit me for being an idiot.

I know how Buffy feels about suicide; she'd never forgive me for taking that path.

"The woods are lovely, dark and deep, but I have promises to keep…"

I have a mission and a duty, both to my friend and to the Powers.Buffy didn't run away from her scared duty, she didn't take the easy way out.How would it honor her memory for me to do that?

It would be easier to give up, to give in, to let grief take my reason.Death or insanity would be an escape, but I can't do that.I won't do that.I made that decision even before I understood why.I chose to live because I've got a purpose to be fulfilled, that's what Buffy would have asked of me, not death.And Shanshu doesn't just mean to live, it means live until I die; rejoin the cycle of life and death that is mortality.Die a natural death and move on… maybe she'll wait for me.Until then, I have to live.


	2. Unowed: Angel: Fredless

**Un-Owed**

Disclaimer: Characters and Premise are borrowed from the show "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer" and "Angel".

I spent the whole drive back to LA worrying about what to tell my friends. I want them to trust me and I know lying to them isn't the way to get that trust back, but like I told Buffy; sometimes lies are better than the truth. 

That was so long ago, several life times for both Buffy and I. I still believe it though, that's why I'm never going to tell any of my friends what catalyzed my epiphany. It won't help; it would just get everyone upset… Although I was sorely tempted to tell Cordy just to get her to drop the damn eunuch thing; just to see the look on her face. Sure I'd loose them as friends, but sometimes… when I'm tired of being their pet punching bag, when I'm sick of being reminded constantly of my mistakes last year… but that's just the darkness talking, the darkness that comes from the man and not the demon. I don't really feel like that, I swear. 

Over the centuries I'd forgotten the darkness, remembered an idealized version of Liam, a harmless child who never really got the chance to grow up, but the First and Darla stripped away my illusions, darkness was always a part of me. A part I have to keep controlled and hidden as thoroughly as I do the demon. 

But what happened between Darla and I is an old lie, a decision I've already made and moved past. What happened and everything that led up to it, is something I just want to put behind me. This is different. Tonight I've got a new decision before me. They're going to ask about what happened between Buffy and I. Because they worry, Cordy thought I might be suicidal after my first return to Sunnydale. And because they're curious, it's only human nature to be curious, I can hardly fault them for it. 

I don't know what I'm going to tell them. I could lie, say that we talked and as glad as I am that she's alive again, nothing has changed and we still can't be together. They'd believe it; it would even be true, except the part where we talked. It's what they expect, it would close the issue, it would be easy, and it would be a lie. 

Or I could tell them the truth and get staked. Tell them that it's a damn good thing Buffy and I decided to meet someplace off the beaten path, or maybe it was the worst idea we'd ever had. We wouldn't have almost… Not if we'd met in, say, the middle of a shopping mall, or maybe we would have. Because when I saw Buffy step out of her car into the moonlight… oh god, as much as I treasure the few times I've seen her in the sun, she's never looked more beautiful than she did at that moment…. When I saw her, after I'd come to believe I'd never see her again in this world, maybe never see her again period… When I saw her every thought went out of my head except that I needed to touch her, to fill my senses with her so that I knew she was real, that this wasn't just another dream. Should I tell them that Buffy was the same? That she needed to touch me as much as I needed to touch her? Should I tell them that neither of us managed a rational thought until after most of our cloths were already decorating the sand of the quiet beach where we'd chosen to meet. 

We didn't talk about the curse, or consequences, our eyes met and we both realized what we were only a heartbeat away from doing. I wonder if my eyes were as horrified as hers were. After all she's sacrificed to protect this world, we couldn't, won't, risk it. If what I feel for her means anything at all I can't risk putting her through that particular horror again, not when she's already been through so much and still they won't let her rest. 

I guess Spike was right; we will love each other until it kills both of us. And it only gets stronger, two years of separation and just seeing each other was very nearly enough to shatter all restraint. 

I thought I'd lost her forever, now I know I can't afford to see her again. It's just too dangerous, for her, for the world. 

We didn't talk, we both knew, in our bones, in our hearts, in our souls, there's nothing left to fight about. We both understand, we love each other and it's not enough or it's too much. It'll burn us both to the bone if we don't keep our distance. 

My friends don't want to hear how close we came to risking my soul tonight. Their trust in me has already been strained beyond the breaking point, but I feel guilty that I'm rebuilding our friendship on lies. 

With a tired sigh I open the door to the hotel. 

"Kiss me!" 

"Bite me!" 

Suddenly I find I don't feel guilty at all. I don't even have to lie to my friends; I don't have any. And these people, I don't owe them an explanation for my actions. They don't have a right to full accounting of what happened between Buffy and I. 

As for confiding in them... at this moment, I'd rather spend another century in hell. 

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	3. Facade: Lorne: Offspring

**Facade**

Disclaimer: Characters and Premise are borrowed from the show "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer" and "Angel".

Have you ever had one of those nagging puzzles that you just can't get out of your head? Like the meaning behind a particularly obscure bit of lyrics, you just have to know what it means. 

I've got one of those and it's named Angel. Now sometimes Angel's the type of person who's emotions can knock you over from across the room. Take for instance the night when Angel and Darla… well… got things started, so to speak. No explanations needed, he was broadcasting more strongly than any radio station, but ever since that night, all I've heard is static. 

Now if he'd sing all that static would clear right up, but Angel's the glutton for punishment, not me, and the less I hear of that man's singing voice the happier I'll be. 

A few hours ago, however, I got a flash of what's behind the static. When he asked what SHE, Cordy, not the expectant mother, was feeling I got a faint signal. 

Under the very understandable shock about Darla's condition… It is understandable that the whole impending fatherhood thing would throw him, I've seen a lot of people who aren't technically dead and thus infertile, who can't quite believe it when they get the news that they're going to be a parent. 

But that was all very straight forward. I'm sure Angel will come to terms once he's had a little time, assuming the mommy to be doesn't kill too many people before he catches up with her. 

What was surprising was the emotional mess below the shock. A great, big, old, Gordian knot of emotions. So far I've been able to pick out anger and fear. "Why'd she have to show them? What if they never forgive me?" 

A house of cards that's in danger of falling down. Darla's the wind and Angel's not too happy about the threat she represents to everything he's built back. 

Of course the anger wouldn't be there without the fear. If he weren't afraid of the delicacy, the instability of the friendships he'd rebuilt since Hurricane Darla last passed through his life he wouldn't be angry that she's back, laying bare old wounds. 

Sometimes people rebuild a fortress in the wake of disaster, something so strong it'll never fall again. Just look at the Calico Palace up in San Fran. Sometimes though, people just go through the ruins and cobble together any sort of shelter as fast as they can. It's looking like Angel took the later route. 

Took the memories of his old relationships and patched them together with gilt and glitter: new clothes and lies, eager to please smiles and proscribed behavior. 

He spelled it out for me didn't he? "Angel, you should lighten up. Angel, you should smile more. Angel, you should wear a nice plaid." That's what he thinks they want from him. 

Thank the PTB I headed off the plaid idea before it took root. Now that I think of it I'm the one who suggested that leather pants aren't the end of the world too. I know people all over the city would be thanking me for that suggestion if only they knew. 

That isn't the point though, the point, the thing I'm feeling a mite worried about is how seriously has Angel been taking the suggestions, even implications he picks up every day. 

I remember the first few times he, Cordy and Wes came here socially. After Wes told them about Caritas Cordy just had to come back and sing; wanted to know if the acting would ever go anywhere or, failing that, if Angel would give her a raise. 

Sure Angel wasn't the life of the party, fairly quiet and reserved really, maybe a tad wistful when the songs got him thinking about his Slayer, but he wasn't unhappy. He had friends he felt close to, a purpose in life he believed in, even a hope for the future. Sure that hope calmed down a lot from the first time I met him, but that was all good. That first time he was fairly maniacal about the future, after that it eased off into a warm someday. Of course that was all before Darla. 

I knew his little flirtation with darkness over her was going to change things forever. He did a lot of tearing down in his personal relationships. I thought they'd rebuild something stronger, a more equal relationship, something where they'd recognize each other's weaknesses and help each other deal with them. Instead Angel's pulled a chameleon on them. 

He'll give them everything they even suggest they want of him, but not himself. Too afraid they won't like what's inside to let them see him. 

But Darla's back and she and her little bundle are going to shake things up around here again. This time I think it's going to be in a good way. They're going to break down all Angel's illusions and give his friends a chance to meet him. I think Angel's in for a pleasant surprise, because I see a lot to like behind the façade he puts up, I think his friends will too. 

Author's Note: The Calico Palace is a reference to Gwen Brook's novel of the same name. 

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